Did you get me smiling?
I hate taking pictures.
I hate knowing the camera eye is zooming on me, capturing every line and flaw nature put on my face, the wind frizzing my hair. You know it is windy. Luckily, I used a ton–ok half a ton of hair spray on this do. Anyway, the camera is merciless. I see it in magazines and newspapers. (Pause) Ok, I will tell you about myself since you asked.
I have been in this country since I was twelve years old. I keep up with things. I am not just a jibara. You know, a hillbilly. I am a city girl now. I graduated high school. Some of my friends did not. I know I needed to do that because I want to do better, to help my family. (Pause)
I go to college at night because I have to work too. My mother asks me all the time, why do I push myself so much? I say to her, why was I put on this earth mama? It’s not to just clean or work in a factory…no…so I ask her…why was I given the ability to dream? Eh…(Pause)
My Papi says I was put on this earth to be loved. I like that. So, I try to love myself. It is hard sometimes when people make fun of my accent (Pause) my face (Pause) my people. It is not only words that they sling at me like stinging bees, but also the look in their eyes, and how they hold themselves.
Yesterday, I sat on the train next to a white woman. She looked me up and down and made a sound of disgust and got up (Pause) More room for me (Pause) I don’t care (Pause) I don’t (Pause) I (Pause) I do (Pause) I do (Pause) it hurts me. I am neat and clean, and I don’t smell! I have been hurt so many times that I cannot trust. You. (Pause) You may be one of them.
Those hurts nest in the pores of my skin (Pause) like a cancer. (Pause) I can not understand. You people (Pause) claim you only want the best for us, but then we are betrayed. I know, I know! (Pause) You say not all of you are bad (Pause) I know that you (Wave arm) are not all bad. (Pause) We aren’t either. (Pause) You have no sign or card or angel wings. You have no clue, but then again, (Pause) we don’t either. I sneered at you. I probably looked mean (Pause), sorry.
Anyway, you like my beauty mark? (Pause) You do? I love it too. My mama says that means I am beautiful. I try to believe her. Mostly, I do. (Pause) My brother says it’s a dead raisin. (Pause) Jerk!
I hope my lipstick is okay. Did you get a shot of me smiling? I saw you taking pictures, and I was not sure who you were, or why you were taking my picture. We all don’t look mean. Mostly, we are scared (Pause).
I thought maybe you were making fun of me. (Little chuckle) Me trying to look like Diana Ross. (Touch hair and laughs). I try. (Pause)
What do I want in life?
(Pause) I want you, every you out there to treat me like a regular person. Although I think, (Put hand on heart). I am a Supreme. (Laugh)
Did you get me smiling? (Pause) Come on, take one of me smiling. (Pose) I know you have to leave (Pause) just one more. COME BACK! I have nice teeth! Stop! (Pause) In the name of love (Exit stage singing sadly) Before you break my heart…
Written by Nilsa Mariano
Nilsa Mariano graduated from Binghamton University New York, in
Comparative Literature. She has been published in Stone Canoe, Five Minute Magazine, MicroFiction Monday Magazine, and Chicken Soup for the Latino Soul.
Feature Photo by Los Muertos Crew
45 Magazine Poetry Journal 