INT – Popeye’s Chicken Fast Food Restaurant

ANNIE is fixing her hair and makeup preparing for her next Popeye’s commercial. She is rehearsing her lines.

POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN MUSIC PLAYS. POPEYE dressed in a sailor outfit, with tattoo anchors and a pipe in his mouth enters the stage.

POPEYE:
Well, blow me down! [Speaks through his teeth.] What’s it going to take for a sailor to keep a job around here, eh?

ANNIE:
Excuse me?

POPEYE:
Just how do you think you can take credit for this chicken recipe [speaks through his teeth again] when the franchise is older than YOU?!

ANNIE:
Hey, if the bald guy from Seinfeld can dress up as Col Sanders, I sho’ nuff can put on this apron and portray a non-threatening cook from Louisiana, honey! [Looks towards the audience.] Who wouldn’t want to eat my chicken? Or would you rather have it from a wet, sailor who reeks of high tide salmon?

POPEYE:
Whoaaa! I’ve got soul! I eat greens!

ANNIE:
Spinach and Collards are two different greens, Honey Chile.

POPEYE:
Oh yeah?! Well, my name’s on the building, see!

ANNIE:
No one knows who you are anymore!

POPEYE:
[Stands tall with both hands on his hips.] I’m Popeye the Sailor Man! [SOUND OF A PIPE BLOWS.]

ANNIE looks out into the audience and winces.

ANNIE:
Only old people know that! Besides, your online reputation has gone to hell. Focus groups show that you’re unpopular with today’s generation.

POPEYE:
Nonsense! I’m all about the sticky icky green…[speaks through his teeth] me spinach!

ANNIE pulls out her tablet and starts scrolling.

ANNIE:
You’re also a spineless coward! You stood by while your girlfriend Olive Oil was sexually harassed on a repeated basis. Sure, you’d save her at the last minute but the damage had already been done. Plus, you still remained friends with the perpetrator. What’s his name? Brutus?

POPEYE:
Whoaaa! It’s Bluto! [Speaks through his teeth.] And what does that have to do with you taking my job?

ANNIE:
You just can’t go around town asking people to blow you down. It’s not a good look! Talking about you’re strong to the finish, Boy, that’s nasty!—No one wants to eat any chicken after hearing that!! Plus, everybody KNOWS why only your arms are so big!

POPEYE:
It’s part of the secret recipe! You have to choke
the chicken’s nec—

ANNIE:
[Holds her finger up to POPEYE’S lips and shakes her head with disapproval] Um-mm-mm. Yo time is up, honey!

BLACKOUT

Written by Zorina Frey – Miami, Florida